Learning.

Today I'm reflecting on turning 38 years old. And learning.

Last night I saw Queensryche with one of my old college roommates. We were both metalheads, and in fact the last time we both saw Queensryche was in 1994 in support of the "Promised Land" album. Afterwards we talked about old times, what happened during the 17 years in-between, and what our plans are going forward. I felt a small piece of myself returning, some innocence and excitement about live music I had lost along the way. Mostly, I remembered what it was like to be in college.

Growing up I hated school. I was a good student, but I was a daydreamer. I was also bullied pretty relentlessly in middle school and high school by a few select folks. I grew to hate being in school, and by association, "learning." I could never keep my mind on my studies because I was constantly afraid of ridicule or injury. The fear that I came to live with in high school carried over into college. While I wasn't bullied, I was simply going through the motions of finishing my degree, and once I joined a band and actually recorded in a professional studio, I realized music was what I truly cared about. I can tell you that today my opinion is that I'll never set foot in a classroom again. It's just too much to think about.

But what I've come to understand is that TRUE learning happens every minute, of every day...all around us. I've learned more about myself and grown more as a person in the last 2 years than I have at any point in my life prior. I've learned on the job, behind the wheel of a car, all alone in my studio, and even in the depths of my deepest despair. I'm grateful to still be "teachable." And I'm grateful for the humility that comes with it.

Thoughts on Amy Winehouse...

I just heard about her passing this morning...
http://npr.org/2011/07/23/138639971/singer-amy-winehouse-found-dead

Another artist passed at age 27. Makes me sad. The specter of addiction has taken so many wonderful people from us.

Recovery has become a spectator sport. Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Lil' Wayne wearing a "fuck rehab" shirt on-stage, and now Amy Winehouse. We have shows like "Intervention," "Celebrity Rehab," "Sober House" and more that allow us to mock people who are suffering, or simply indulge our own voyeurism. The trainwreck that we simply "can't turn away from."

I wish people understood that recovery is about so much more than simply letting go of our own vices. It's about learning how to really live, perhaps for the first time. It's about learning how to cope with life's ups-and-downs on your own, without a crutch.

Perhaps if humanity's focus was on treatment, healing and reconciliation, rather than on prohibition and incarceration - we might be able to do some good.

For now, recovery remains a haphazard process at based - a process mired by misinformation and superstition, rather than bolstered by biology, science, and rational thought. I don't attempt to downplay the role that 12-step programs have played in my own recovery, but if you think that all addicts will get well through 12-step work alone, you're deceiving yourself.

For now, I leave you with some lyrics to Amy Winehouse's own song, "Rehab"...

"The man said 'why do you think you here'
I said 'I got no idea
I'm gonna, I'm gonna lose my baby
so I always keep a bottle near'
He said 'I just think you're depressed,
this me, yeah baby, and the rest'

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'
Yes I've been black but when I come back you'll know know know

I don't ever wanna drink again
I just ooh I just need a friend
I'm not gonna spend ten weeks
have everyone think I'm on the mend

It's not just my pride
It's just 'til these tears have dried"

-JG

Episode 3 - "Deepvibes deep house set - 12/22/2010"

Hey everybody - my exclusive 1-hour set from http://deepvibes.co.uk from yesterday is now live at Podomatic...click below, sit back, and relax!

Episode 3 - "Deepvibes deep house set - 12/22/2010"



Tracklist:

1. Premonition (feat. Alicyn - Original Mix) - DJ FM
2. Sedona - Original Mix - Spirit Catcher
3. The Brush - Tom Middleton Liquatech Mix - Nils Nuernberg, Florian Kruse
4. Inside the Loop - Original Mix - Jimpster
5. Bally Who - Original Mix - Russo, Huxley
6. Secrets - Original Mix - Simon Flower
7. Son Of Raw - Original Mix - Dennis Ferrer
8. Fight or Flight (DJ FM's Dark House Remix) - Photo-Poetic
9. ZYVOX (Steve Duda Remix) - Moguai
10. Flealife - Christian Smith Remix - Funk D'Void
11. Tylium Summertime (Wez Saunders 2-in-1 Edit) - James Zabiela

Happy holidaze...
FM

There are no big deals.

I learned from my girlfriend recently that among animals, fear is the quickest instinct to learn and the hardest to unlearn. Seems to me that characteristic is true of us all. I've been having a lot of spiritual struggles lately related to this. What is it about the human condition that makes suffering our greatest teacher? If we're wired to seek some (supposedly) benevolent entity outside of ourselves for guidance, then why did said entity allow suffering to come into being in the first place?

I guess I have to take a step back and examine what it is that suffering has done for me. Probably the single biggest axiom I've learned is this:

"There are no big deals."

Growing up, everything was a big deal. Even the smallest mistake - a dish left unwashed in the sink, a chore undone - was met with the most serious consequences. One thing remainined in its wake: crippling anxiety. I did not have abusive parents, but what I did have were parents also raised to be anxious themselves, passed down and passed on by those who came before them.

That anxiety has haunted me more or less since birth. I tried telling so many people people about how I felt, describe the gun-wrenching pain to them in a way that made sense. First my parents, who often told me simply "you just have to suck it up!" One of my greatest resentments I've had to face is that the ones closest to me were probably the poorest listeners - or at least what I interpreted to be poor listening. But how could they have known? Parents are closest to their children - if they're doing it right - which (as my father pointed out to me) makes it hard for them to clearly see exactly what might be wrong.

Then there were guidance counselors (useless), teachers (overworked, underpaid and unconcerned), and "friends." And then there were relationships. I could go on and on about my romantic relationships. When they work, they're amazing, and when they're bad...well, yeah. I then turned to religion, thinking perhaps that the reason for my suffering was the fact that I turned from God somehow. At first I found comfort there, and belonging. Sadly, I then uncovered a world of judgment, uncharitable opinions and polarizing politics, rooted in legalistic interpretation of religious dogma. Salvation was about numbers, attendance (they called it "accountability"), catch-phrases, buzzwords and keeping up appearances.

In fact, after attending Lollapalooza 1993, one of our field-staffers took me aside during youth group and told me that she didn't think Jesus would've gone with me. I knew instinctively that this was a point of view that didn't mesh with my beliefs AT ALL. I didn't realize it then, but I had become disillusioned with religion. (I would turn back to religion one other time in my life for some source of comfort, and would simply find more of the same.)

So I joined a band, and took refuge in the one thing that has *always* consistently provided me with solace and comfort: music.

Actually, I was already in a band - I just threw myself into it whole-heartedly this time. We found ourselves in a recording studio, and on day 3 of our studio session, I sat on a leather couch with my three friends and we listened as the fruits of our labor came out of huge studio monitors in the wall. I knew at that moment, at 21 years of age, that I'd found my place in the world. Not in college, not in my job, but right there in that recording studio. Sadly, A recording studio (at the time) was a prohibitvely expensive place to find a sense of balance in one's life. And the inner conflict between doing what I loved (music) vs. doing what I needed to do to provide for myself (work) and/or doing what looked good in the eyes of the world and my parents (finishing college) was an additional source of anxiety on top of everything else.

So in the end, I found better living through chemistry before I found healing, or solutions, or balance. I had developed two faces, a public face and a private face. The face I thought the world wanted to see, and the face that was really me - where everything was a "big deal." No one can exist in that condition indefinitely. Life catches up. It was at that point I began to learn about real suffering, and unmanageability.

So I may not understand why, or be able to accept the existence of suffering. But I know that today I have peace. Peace that comes through honesty, and reconciliation, and hope. Peace that comes through good health. And yes, peace that comes through MUSIC.
I have peace knowing that there are NO big deals.